WHY I BELIEVE IN PASSIONATE FATHERING

I have learned first hand that boys don’t thrive without their father or a father figure in their life. The truth of the matter is fathers matter. This is a fact that most men don’t talk about or understand how to be the father they have always wanted to be. Over the past 25-30 years, I have observed a growing crisis in father-son relationships first as a policeman, then as a high school counselor, and finally for the last 15 years as a psychologist. From a purely social perspective, what I have witnessed is frightening. As police officer, I saw many boys who broke the law, destroyed their lives with drugs and sex, committed violent crimes, beat up their girlfriends, shoot rival gang members and they all have one thing in common: fatherless sons. There is a very clear connection between adolescent rebellion/criminal behavior and fatherless boys.

As a high school counselor and as a psychologist, I have worked with thousands of boys and their fathers, dealing with a more subtle form of abandonment and emotional neglect. Most of the fathers I have worked with did not desert their family or beat their sons but they unintentionally inflicted a great deal of pain that has left significant behavioral and emotional problems nonetheless in their son’s life. I have worked with all types of sons and ages: bullies, hyperactive, experimenting with drugs and sex, and acting out in other unacceptable ways. In 9.5 cases out of 10 their fathers attitude, presence or absence had a profound impact on them. Neither the son nor the father in all these cases was aware of the direct connection between their behavior, relationship and emotional closeness or distance.

Regardless of the varying circumstances the way to repair and rebuild our son’s life requires the involvement of fathers. There isn’t any other way, method or path out of the valley of despair for our sons. It requires our active and full involvement. This is the sole reason I have written my book, Father Your Son—becoming the father you have always wanted to be.

As much as I see a need for this book for social and professional reasons, I am also compelled to write it from a personal standpoint. I was 15 years old when my father moved out of our family home. My father had good reason to move out and try to work on the marriage. For that next year, my mother was completely heart broken and grieving. I also was profoundly impacted by father’s departure. At the time I didn’t understand the importance of my father’s presence and his absence.

I always loved my father and had a soft spot for him. He was an immigrant and didn’t fully understand the American way of sports or culture. Yet he did a pretty fair job of raising my sister and me. I always longed for his time, attention and emotional support. My father was a typical father of his era, soft-spoken, emotionally distant, hard working, uninvolved in the family day-to-day functioning, and rather heavy handed when he was angry. I knew that my father cared about me, but it didn’t much matter when I was a teenager. From that point until now, we hardly spoke or spent anytime together. Because I didn’t have a close relationship with my father prior to his leaving and after, I felt lonely and isolated during those critical years.

Fortunately, two men entered my life who served as surrogate fathers. They lived on my block when I was growing up and took me under their wings. Dave Lehr and Mike Jones saved my life. These two guys were young fathers at the time and they were tough, smart, loving and knew I needed a father more than I did. I would be writing about this subject or fathering my children if it wasn’t for these two men. They yelled at me for drinking, messing up at school and being rude to my mother. They also gave me clear limits and valuable input on becoming a responsible man.

I learned firsthand that boys of all ages don’t thrive without their father or a father figure in their life. I was lucky, and I knew it. These two men showed that fathering was a whole lot more than mere biology. These two men along with my father’s distant involvement shaped me into a passionate father and saved me from the perils of a fatherless childhood.

I hope to influence others with the Father/Son book and articles like this. Or rather, I want to help other fathers save their sons and daughters by convincing them that fathering is a “calling”, not a part time job or something that can be approached casually and effortlessly. Fathering requires everything a man can give his son. If you make this commitment, you and your son will reap the benefits for all the days of your collective lives. As you start this process, don’t be discouraged no matter where you have fallen short or how problematic your father-son relationship might be. Know and trust that regardless of past failures, martial status, you have the power to forge a strong, life changing, healthy relationship with your son and daughter and that above all else: Fathers Matter!

Dr. Stephan B. Poulter is a licensed clinical psychologist with a private practice in West Los Angeles, California. He has worked in various settings with more than 2,200 fathers and sons in the last twenty-three years. In addition to his current practice, Dr. Poulter appears regularly on radio talk shows and news programs. He holds public speaking engagements and workshops that creatively address various aspects of the father/child relationship. The father of a boy and a girl, Dr. Stephan Poulter is passionate about the issue of fathers’ needing to be active, present, and involved with their children—and that passion is reflected in every aspect of his career.

To learn more about Dr. Stephan B. Poulter click here and for more information about his book Father Your Son, click here.